Sentence Enhancers: 5 Curse Words I Wish I Could Get Away with Saying

Content Warning: contains almost curse words.

In light of the fact that it is the holiday season and most of you will be spending the time with your families, finding out that your cousin is gay, and your uncle is divorcing your aunt because she is actually a he, I have decided to make a list of curse words that I wish I could, but sadly cannot, say. Now, before you look at me with your judging eye let me explain.SAM_3607

I can’t not say these words because we are an immensely strict Christian family, or because I am not of age (many kids my age curse), or because my tongue will burn if I do. But actually because I am scared out of my mind. I actually think my mom would let me get away with saying at least one of these, but every time I open my mouth to do it I have a mini panic attack. I mean, I actually feel rebellious when I sing “Uptown Funk” because in the outro he says “uptown funk you up” and it sounds so much like the “F-word”. When I rap along with a Young Money song I literally sound like I am stuttering because I pause at every curse word.

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Imagine having to sing the radio version of “I Don’t F*ck With You”. Do you know how lame-o that is? It takes away from the sharpness of the song. If Big Sean had actually came out with just that version of the song, I have no doubt it would be nowhere near as popular as it is now.  It’s even worse when my mom says “What did he say?” during a movie but I can’t reply or it takes away from the funny when I do because he cussed. *sigh* So, I am going to type the words I would like to say out loud. Heavily censored, of course.

Sentence Enhancer #1: D*mn

And all of it’s derivatives. That includes, but is not limited to: D*mmit, Godd*mn and Godd*mmit. Do you know how many times I have stubbed my toe and have had to yell “Oh! Darn It! That hurt really bad!” when it could’ve easily been wrapped up in a nice “D*MN”  package? Too many to count.Follow our handy Key & Peele Halloween costume guides for tips and tricks on how to pull off some of the show’s most memorable characters. Character: A husband from I Said Bitch Costume: Sweater vest, button-down (bonus points: space suit) Tips: Look around nervously for wife, whisper “I said, biiiiiiiiiiiitch” when the coast is clear Tune in this Wednesday at 10:30/9:30c for a very special Halloween episode of Key & Peele!

Sentence Enhancer #2: B*tch

I can only imagine how fun to say it must be for most of you reading this. Do you know how many b*tches I have come in contact with but have had to settle with calling a “B-word” or “witch”? (and always behind her back) I might as well have just called her a meany or a dodo head, because that’s how big of an affect those words have.

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Sentence Enhancer #3: F*ck

And all of it’s derivatives. Just typing it is spicy to me. Like eating wasabi alone, which I actually like to do when I eat sushi. I would type out all of the derivatives but I’m afraid I’d get flagged.

Sentence Enhancer #4: Sh*t

And all of it’s derivatives. Including but not limited to “sh*thead and bullsh*tting”. I wouldn’t even use this word in an obscene way. Just when I was surprised or scared or when my heart was beating. The obvious times.

Sentence Enhancer #5: *ss

One word. Music. Do you know how many songs are about what this word symbolizes, nowadays?! Do you know how lame it is to say “butt” in replace of that?!

Oh, yeah. And “p*ssed”. I mean, why not. I get p*ssed just like the rest of you. Just when I do it, it’s called “really mad”.  Keep in mind, I mean to offend no one. This is just my personal opinion.  Also, what curse words do you wish you can say to that family member this holiday season? Tell me in the comment section below. Sage Out.

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