Sentence Enhancers: 5 Curse Words I Wish I Could Get Away with Saying

Content Warning: contains almost curse words.

In light of the fact that it is the holiday season and most of you will be spending the time with your families, finding out that your cousin is gay, and your uncle is divorcing your aunt because she is actually a he, I have decided to make a list of curse words that I wish I could, but sadly cannot, say. Now, before you look at me with your judging eye let me explain.SAM_3607

I can’t not say these words¬†because we are an¬†immensely strict Christian family, or because I am not of age¬†(many kids my age curse), or because my tongue will burn if I do. But actually because I am scared out of my mind. I actually think my mom would let me get away with saying at least one of these, but every time I open my mouth to do it I have a mini panic attack. I mean, I actually feel rebellious when I sing “Uptown Funk” because in the outro he says “uptown funk you up” and it sounds so much like the “F-word”.¬†When I rap along with a Young Money song I literally sound like I am stuttering because I pause at every curse word.

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Imagine having to¬†sing the radio version of “I Don’t F*ck With You”. Do you know how¬†lame-o¬†that is? It takes away from the sharpness of the song. If Big Sean had actually came out with just that version of the¬†song, I have no doubt it would be nowhere near as popular as it is now. ¬†It’s even worse when my mom says “What did he say?” during a movie but I can’t reply or it takes away from the funny when I do because he cussed. *sigh* So, I am going to type the words I would like to say out loud. Heavily censored, of course.

Sentence Enhancer #1: D*mn

And all of it’s derivatives. That includes, but is not limited to: D*mmit, Godd*mn and Godd*mmit. Do you know how many times I have stubbed my toe and have had to yell “Oh! Darn It! That hurt really bad!” when it could’ve easily been wrapped up in a nice¬†“D*MN”¬† package? Too many to count.Follow our handy¬†Key & Peele¬†Halloween¬†costume guides¬†for tips and tricks on how to pull off some of the show‚Äôs most memorable characters. Character: A husband from¬†I¬†Said Bitch Costume: Sweater vest, button-down (bonus points: space suit) Tips: Look around nervously for wife, whisper ‚ÄúI said, biiiiiiiiiiiitch‚ÄĚ when the coast is clear Tune in this Wednesday at 10:30/9:30c for a very special¬†Halloween¬†episode of¬†Key & Peele!

Sentence Enhancer #2: B*tch

I can only imagine how fun to say it must be for most of you reading this. Do you know how many b*tches I have come in contact with but have had to settle with calling a “B-word” or “witch”? (and always behind her back) I might as well have just called her a meany or a dodo head, because¬†that’s how big of an affect those words have.

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Sentence Enhancer #3: F*ck

And all of it’s derivatives. Just typing it is spicy to me. Like eating wasabi alone, which I actually like to do when I eat sushi. I would type out all of the derivatives but I’m afraid I’d get flagged.

Sentence Enhancer #4: Sh*t

And all of it’s derivatives. Including but not limited to “sh*thead and bullsh*tting”. I wouldn’t even use this word in an obscene way. Just when I was surprised or scared or when my heart was beating. The obvious times.

Sentence Enhancer #5: *ss

One word. Music. Do you know how many songs are about what this word symbolizes, nowadays?! Do you know how lame it is to say “butt” in replace of that?!

Oh, yeah. And “p*ssed”. I mean, why not. I get p*ssed just like the rest of you. Just when I do it, it’s called “really mad”. ¬†Keep in mind, I mean to offend no one. This is just my personal opinion.¬† Also, what curse words do you wish you can say to that family member this holiday season? Tell me in the comment section below. Sage Out.

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What Did The Skeleton Say To The Vampire? And 51 Other Clever Halloween Jokes

So, the answer to that question is: You suck. I know, I know. Hilarious. Get up off the floor from laughing so hard. Okay, okay. It’s¬†2 am,¬†okay guys? Cut me some slack. Sheesh.

I honestly have no idea what I am going to be for Halloween. The only thing I can think of is “cooler than you”.¬† I feel like October just started and I should be getting ready for my sisters’ birthday (October 2nd and 16th). It’s not like it crept up on me, It’s just I was so unprepared for this month that I spent this month preparing for it, if that makes any sense. But, nonetheless, I plan to stay in the house all day watching scary movies (I’ll tell you how that goes) and then go trick or treating with the fam around 8.¬† Should be exciting. Thoroughly looking forward to it. I’m so stoked. This is so thrilling. (<== see what I¬†did there?) I know those sound sarcastic, but they’re genuine like ginuwine. I think that should be a Halloween joke all on it’s own. Speaking of witch here are 51 clever Halloween jokes that’ll make you say


  1. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately. (Tee hee)
  2. What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes? A cereal killer.
  3. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
  4. What do you call a witch in the desert? A sandwitch. (No, that’s what they call me when I forget to put on lotion)
  5. What does a vampire fear the most? Tooth decay.
  6. Who do vampires buy their cookies from?  The Ghoul Scouts
  7. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
  8. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash!
  9. What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? A hoblin goblin.
  10. What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
  11. Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin!
  12. Why don’t skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.
  13. Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away. (do do doosh)
  14. What was the witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
  15. What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice Scream.
  16. What did the mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? Don’t spook until you’re spoken to.
  17. What did the mummy say to the detective? Let’s wrap this case up.
  18. What’s a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist.
  19. What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist? He got repossessed.
  20. What is a vampire’s favorite sport? Casketball.
  21. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.
  22. What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets. (is that so? I never received any)
  23. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newlywebbed.
  24. What do Italians eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o.
  25. What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.
  26. What do you give to a pumpkin trying to quit smoking? A pumpkin patch.
  27. How do monsters tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
  28. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A necktarine
  29. What is a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor? Veinilla.
  30. What did the three vampires order at the bar? Two bloods and a blood light.
  31. Who are some of the werewolves cousins? The whatwolves, the whowolves, and the whenwolves.(This almost flew over my head)
  32. Why do mummies have so much trouble keeping friends? They’re too wrapped up in themselves.
  33. Where do mummies go for a swim? The dead sea.
  34. Why do mummies make excellent spies? They’re good at keeping things under wraps.
  35. Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.
  36. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It raises their spirits. (As do they mine)
  37. What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.
  38. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? Bone appetit!
  39. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
  40. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers.
  41. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
  42. What’s a monster’s favorite bean? A human bean.
  43. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newlywebbed
  44. Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
  45. Where do most werewolves live? In howllywood, California (right next to me, to be exact)
  46. What do witches use in their hair? scare-spray
  47. What do you call a little monsters parents? mummy and deady
  48. Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life.
  49. Why are vampires like false teeth? They all come out at night.
  50. What is Dracula’s favorite restaurant? Murder King (Which is on the corner of Moonset Blvd. Again, guys, I’m sleepy, ‘kay?)
  51. What do ghosts eat for breakfast? Boo-Berries.

And here I thought I was being original: Last year’s Halloween post. Or the year before that. I’m not sure. I think it was last year. Anyways… what are you going to be for Halloween? Tell me downstairs in the comment section!

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5 Easy Steps to Surviving the DMV

Picture1.2I don’t have a car. Yet. And I’m not allowed behind the wheel. Yet. I don’t even have a permit. Yet. ¬†While we’re on the subject, I haven’t eaten. Yet.

But that didn’t keep me from going to the DMV with my sister while she went to go get her permit. Like¬†most people we woke up at the butt crack of dawn in order to get there before the masses. But just like us, most people had that idea and we didn’t get there before then, but we still got a prime parking spot right in front of the building. It was literally melting outside and I was sitting in the car next to somebody who likes to smoke, and so because I like to live, I had to stay in the car with the window rolled up. While there I came up with five easy steps on how to survive the DMV

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Step 1: Bring Food.

Food is a creature comfort. And while at the DMV, dealing with attitudes and clipped responses, you need comfort. So rather than talking to that creepy guy that is literally breathing down your neck behind you and smells like crackers and cologne, go sit down and stuff your mouth with some snacks. What I brought:

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A Kashi bar, which this one in particular is actually a lot saltier than you’d think it’d be. It’s got chocolate, which is not overly sweet, and almonds.¬†They’re surprisingly filling and great when you’re in a hurry or, in this case, trying to avoid talking to somebody. This is what they look like melted because in order to tell if something is good, you need to see it melted:

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Don’t forget your fruit (I’m being funny, by the way, I know apples aren’t fruits):

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Applesauce. We get these in boxes from Costco. And because they’re easy and portable (and I didn’t bring a spoon), I just slurped it up, using my tongue to reach what wouldn’t slide out. It’s an art form with classes available UCSAGE (Sign up before all the spots are taken!).

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It was over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, when we went. So, I couldn’t forget to hydrate. I was:

‚ôę‚ô™ On my early-morn¬†thirsty. ‘Cause it was early-morn and I was thirsty! ‚ôę‚ô™ (Guess the song and put your answer in the comment section!)


Step 2: Bring Something to Read

There are so many different ways to read nowadays, so choose your favorite. I personally prefer the real thing to reading something on a device or getting it read to me. How do you prefer to read? If you’re not a big reader or wouldn’t know what to read, stop by the library the day before and try a new genre. Or if you usually only read romances, pick up a sci-fi or mystery. If that’s not really your thing, try a different version of romance. Like a romantic comedy, mystery romance, paranormal romance, or erotica. If it’s already hot, why not turn it up a notch?!

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I brought Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman. It was my first time reading it, and¬† because I absolutely adored the movie I thought why not try the book? Because you always judge a book by it’s movie. I learned that from the Twilight course at UCSAGE.


Step 3: Bring A Journal

Just because you bring a journal doesn’t mean you have to write in it, if writing is not your thing or you simply can’t think of anything to write. You can always sketch or try drawing a cartoon from memory such as SpongeBob or Diego.

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I brought my photographer’s notebook from Target, and practiced drawing anime hair and eyes expressing different emotions:

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I know, I know. Impressive, right?


Step 4: Bring Music

The radio doesn’t always have what you need, I know this from experience. I clean up the kitchen every other day on rotation with my kid sister and when I do I like to listen to music. More specifically, the radio, because some of (most of) the music on my mp3 is dated. And sometimes (most of the time), when I clean the kitchen, the radio is doing a segment of about 2 hours of slow jams. Like,¬†oh my¬†gosh.¬†What the frak? Jump off of her and go to sleep so I can listen to music that is actually worth my while. It is a Tuesday and you have work tomorrow you guys do not need to be smashing pancakes right now. And besides, who’s going to want to listen to a remix of Love in the Club while they’re getting it on, only for the next thing to play to be five minutes of ads? Talk about a mood killer.

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Anywho, try downloading a few new songs or listening to some old songs you downloaded and haven’t heard in a while. Note: On my mp3 (which shows the wrong time, by the way), I changed the language to Korean to help me learn Hangeul, which I have actually gotten pretty good at:

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On the screen it says: (top) Artist, (bottom) Shuffle Mode, (right) Album.


Step 5: People Watch

Last but not least, there’s always the ever fun people watching. My sisters and I like to pick out people, guess their names and their background. Or we’ll choose some random guy and pretend that guy’s one of our boyfriends. Guessing what they’re saying is also a blast.

Extra! Extra! Read All About It:

You can also take selfies, paint your nails (if you’re a girl), paint your nails (if you’re a guy), play games, watch a show or movie on your Iphone/ROKU and by the time you realize all of that stuff is boring, it’ll be time to go. You’re Welcome.


For more things to do when you are bored: Check this out!

For more on¬†what‚Äôs going on here¬†visit ‚ÄúThe Idea‚ÄĚ and if you have suggestions as to things I can try visit¬†‚ÄúThe Suggestion Box‚Ä̬†or comment below¬†I would love to hear what you have to say!

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When You’re Not Sure If You Locked The Doors At Home

 

turn the car around

Have an idea for another “When You…” post? Visit the Contact Me page! -Sage ūüôā

When You Think You Know A Language

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When You’re On Your Period

Doesn’t even really matter if you’re having cramps or not.

When You Go To A School Function